BDSM and the DD/lg Lifestyle: “Fifty Shades” of Kink

DD/lg is an acronym for "Daddy" and "little"

DD/lg is an acronym for “Daddy” and “little”

With the success of the Fifty Shades of Grey book trilogy and the upcoming movie based on the books set to be released Valentine’s Day 2015, the mass fascination with anything BDSM related is strong. Although this is hardly the first erotic novel dealing with the topic (my favorite books are the Sleeping Beauty Trilogy), it is one of the first to put the BDSM lifestyle under a microscope. First of all, there is no one way to practice BDSM, in fact there are countless books that detail the many different ways that one can practice BDSM; however safety should always be a priority when delving into any one of the lifestyles under the BDSM umbrella. Today I want to specifically discuss the DD/lg lifestyle, which can be defined as a relationship between two consenting adults where one partner is the dominant “Daddy” while the other partner takes on the submissive role of the “little”:

Please note that the DD/lg dynamic has nothing to do with pedophilia. We do not condone the acts of pedophilia and the exploitation of children in any way. Just as adults like to take on other roles in the bedroom such as nurse, pet, porn star, etc. it is all roleplay; that is the same for ageplay. The DD/lg dynamic is like any other aspect of BDSM – it is safe, sane, and consensual. Those who participate in the dynamic should be not be shamed for doing so and should not be accused of having “daddy issues”.

What DD/lg is not…

  • Gender, age, or race specific.
  • just calling your boyfriend or husband “daddy” in bed.
  • the same as sugar daddies and sugar babies.
  • a reason for a submissive to act like a brat and manipulate their Dom.
  • a way to get spoiled and give nothing in return.

 

 

When I first started calling my husband “Daddy” and experimenting with age play,  we had only been dating for a couple of years and we were both in high school. At first he thought it strange, but it just seemed to work with the power dynamic of our relationship. Now as adults, we are no longer careful to hide my title for him, as it no longer embarrasses either of us. More people are being honest about having this relationship dynamic; there’s a willingness to discuss sexuality more than ever in the news as well as social media:

 

WARNING:-THE FOLLOWING VIDEO HAS REFERENCES TO CASUAL DRUG USE

With more curiosity comes more understanding and I think that it will become more common to hear a partner call his or her significant other “Daddy” in public without anyone batting an eyelash.

You can see a complete glossary of BDSM terms here.

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Polyamory vs. Monogamy

Plural Marriage: A not so distant future?

Plural Marriage: A not so distant future?

So what is polyamory? The word can be broken down into two parts, “poly” means many, while “amory” means love. Having many loves, or having more than one intimate relationship at once with the consent and acknowledgement of everyone involved, is the simple definition of polyamory. Honesty is imperative in polyamory relationships, but how each relationship works is up to the people involved. It can differ from the swingers lifestyle, because the emphasis is on building relationships with emotional bonds, which may not be a priority for swingers. Showtime’s reality show, Polyamory: Married and Dating focuses on couples that are polyamorous and provides a glimpse of the lifestyle.

More importantly, polyamory is becoming a viable alternative to marriage. The Atlantic  published an article emphasizing that families are radically different today than in the past, and that the law doesn’t reflect these changes in the legal choices offered. Diana Adams, a lawyer who lives a polyamorous lifestyle, was interviewed for the article, and answered a series of insightful questions:

How are you using the law to empower non-traditional relationships like yours?

Our laws are about 20 years behind what families actually look like. I’m working to create alternatives to marriage, because I think that if we could choose marriage affirmatively instead of it being a default, it would make relationships stronger. Marriage is an incredibly intense contract. It’s a legal-financial contract that you’re making, declaring that you’re going to be the other person’s social welfare state and safety net if they screw up. I mean, you’re signing the most important document you’ll sign in your life and people read it less carefully than a cell phone contract. People have no idea what they’re actually committing to and are horrified a lot of times when they find out.

What kinds of alternatives to marriage are available?

There are different options. Domestic partnership, for example, has tremendous possibility to create a more expansive version of what a relationship can look like. Domestic partnership was originally created as an alternative for gay couples who couldn’t legally get married. But then, all these surprising things started happening where these other kinds of people started using it for their own purposes. For instance, many elderly widow friends have entered into platonic domestic partnerships. It’s a situation like the Golden Girls. These are friends saying, “I live with her, and we watch out for each other, and I want her to be the person I can share my health insurance with.”

Another article by the Scientific American, titled New Sexual Revolution: Polyamory May Be Good for You, also explored polyamory in the context of society. They report:

“an estimated 4 to 5 percent of Americans are looking outside their relationship for love and sex — with their partner’s full permission.”

On the topic of jealousy, the article explains the concept of “compersion“:

Take jealousy. If you ask most people how they’d feel if their partner had sex with or fell in love with someone else, the responses would be pretty negative: fear, anger, jealousy, rejection. Ask a polyamorous person the same question, and they’re more likely to tell you they’d be thrilled. It’s a concept called “compersion,” which means the joy felt when a partner discovers love outside of you. It’s similar to the feeling the typical person might get after finding out their best friend scored her dream job, Holmes said. But in this case, the happiness stems from a lover’s external relationships.

Furthermore, it explains that communication is key in making a polyamorous relationship function, and can be a skill that monogamous couples lack; however jealousy does exist for polyamorous people:

None of this suggests that polyamorous people are somehow immune to jealousy, Holmes said. But when jealously does occur, it’s discussed. The person feeling jealous is encouraged to examine their own psyche to find out what’s bothering them and which of their needs aren’t being met. Then the pair (or triad, or quad) can negotiate boundaries.

According to an article by the Calgary Sun, there is a resounding argument for humans being naturally monogamous:

Johnson claims that because we no longer live in small, close knit communities, “People now often depend on romantic love as their main source of social support.” She explains that the trouble with polyamorous relationships is they don’t fulfill our physiological bonding need to have “one person that we depend on, that we come first with.”

However, this claim doesn’t take into consideration the other side of the coin, which Paget, who wrote this article, elaborates:

Although life is easier when you have someone rooting for you, I’m hesitant to agree that monogamy is the only answer. Johnson’s theories discount the fact that humans can receive emotional support from other people besides their partner – whether that’s biological family or a “chosen family” composed of a closely knit network of friends.

As for Johnson’s assertion that couples in monogamous relationships have more satisfying sex lives, I’m sure many polyamorous people would argue that their sex lives are just as fulfilling, meaningful and scorching hot as those of monogamous couples (if not more so).

 

With more media coverage of polyamorous couples, can polyamory become a new social norm in relationship paradigms? Time will tell, but so far, our culture shows no hint of the stopping the process of evolution:

A poll conducted by Calgary Sun yielded the following results:

Question: Are humans meant to be monogamous?

Yes. 36.31%  (981 votes)

No. 45.67%  (1,234 votes)

Unsure. 18.02%  (487 votes)

Total Votes: 2,702
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Facebook and Your “Relationship Status”

Hilarious Relationship Status

One of the plethora of possible Facebook relationship options

This blog is dedicated to chronicling the many ways the media portrays romantic relationships or the evolving “love story”. With the idea of love expanding past the traditional mold of one man and one woman, different definitions and labels of relationships have sprung up in popular culture. With the media acting as a lens, this blog will explore each label and definition that represents a minor, but growing perception that one relationship type does not fit all. I seek to shed light and awareness, and even understanding by illuminating love in all forms, while providing a glimpse of distinct relationships molds that to not conform to the norm. Recently, Facebook recognized a need to provide more than 50 options to each of its users to describe gender, and I believe that  in time, the relationship options will also expand to match users’ needs. The labels, “single”, “in a relationship”, “engaged”, “in a civil union”, “married”, and “it’s complicated” just don’t cut it anymore in the ever changing world of 21st century love.

 

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